This short question has been haunting me for years. Until recent months, it became a torment for me.
When I was young, I have always been searching for my “life purpose”. Why am I here? Who am I? What am I supposed to do with my life? I refuse to live a mainstream life aka a normal employee earning OK income. I want to find my very own and unique path that will make me jump out of bed with joy and excitement every morning, super looking forward to start my day because I have a life purpose. Because it shows that my life is worth living.
Initially, I thought I would start by finding (out) what’s my passion in life. I love reading, I like writing and singing. When I was younger, I love being in front of a camera, pretending to be some mega superstar. Born and raised in a society whereby the Government encouraged you to graduate and be a nice and obedient employee, being a writer or a singer or an actress sounded impossible and rebellious. Most importantly, I probably won’t earn much money from doing those. Or worse, there’s not even any market for me. Talk about low self-esteem or lack of determination. Or maybe I am simply not “passionate” enough. And oh, I am not a rebellious person. I love peace and stability. I’m OK to dealing with changes but I would rather not.
The most rebellious thing I have done so far is to quit my job last year without a job, and my most rebellious decision I have made so far is to continue to stay without a job right now when everyone else is urging me to find a job. Not going to rant much about it because I just wrote about that in my previous post.
I left my previous job thinking that I could search for my life purpose and turn pure passion into money-making passion. That’s the most ideal scenario, isn’t it? Perfect life! Sometimes I wonder why am I not born with a passion to perhaps ice-skate, so I can be the next Kim Yuna. But the reality is that till now, I still don’t know what’s my passion. Or maybe I have not made up my mind or what is. Sure, I have some hobbies I am passionate about, but they feel quite different from being life purpose. And so I am stuck with myself. How should I describe myself to me now? Indecisive, lazy, procrastinator, perfectionist. Yes, I begin to think I am a perfectionist! Everything must be good; in Chinese there’s a saying which is 天时地利人和. Which means the time, place, people and etc must be align and “right” and smooth before I execute something.
The results? Me not accomplishing anything, because I started nothing.
And then I realise, do I need to find my life purpose, right now? No, I don’t.
No, you don’t! If you happened to be in the same shithole as I am. Or was. I hope it’s a “was”.
What is a perfect moment? There will be none! We are always changing our thoughts, changing our minds, how can there be a perfect moment to act? Now I understand the wise saying of “the time to act is now”, thus this article right now. Every time I feel like writing, I don’t know why I just think about it only and not to switch on my laptop and write it. I just feel like there’s some aches of longingness in my heart to write and yet. And yet? I did not. Why? Because I am afraid. Why am I afraid? Afraid that no one will read the things I write. That I have high hopes that it will reach a lot of people but in reality, no one is reading it. Then I will have to conclude that I am a failure in the area that I love. Then I have to stop doing it because it is not giving me any results. But I didn’t think of the why must I stop doing it if I actually enjoy doing it even though no one appreciates it? Does it matter? Yes, it does, because I like to share! Haha. But honestly? No one gives a damn. So why am I damning myself? And who can determine if I have failed? Only myself. If I think that I am a failure, then I am. Period.
OK, I don’t know what I am writing anymore, but I guess that’s a good thing because I am simply letting my thoughts to flow and my hands to type by themselves, haha. So do I need to find a life purpose? Right now? No. I should be giving my life its purpose, and not trying to find it while doing nothing.
OMG I just got my own answer!
This worth re-mentioning:
I should be giving my life its purpose, and not trying to find it while doing nothing.
Let’s talk about a stage right now that I am feeling quite alone.
I just passed my 29th birthday so I am no longer in my adolescent years. I am a newlywed of close to six months and so I am not fretting over any singlehood status. Even though I am currently unemployed, I am living with my retired in-laws so I need not fret that there is no one to chat with me. So why am I feeling all alone?
The loneliness is in the soul. It feels like no one understands the void and longing in me right now. Maybe even I don’t know what I need to do to fill this void.
Ever since two years ago, I started to become pretty spiritual. I don’t mean diving head down into a particular religion nor do I mean practising magic or conversing with spirits. I mean this growing and gnawing thirst in me to explore the unseen. If I were to time-travel and tell my 25-year-old self that I would one day lean towards spirituality, she would probably stare in disbelief and scoff. Seriously. I was that away from spirituality then. In fact, all my life I always questioned the common religions around me. Buddhism, Taoism, Christianity… I used to sit down for more than two hours with a preacher on Christianity and bombarded her with all the “logical” questions I have on her faith. I used to read the bible and raised all sort of questions to a few Christian colleagues who couldn’t answer to my satisfaction. And it didn’t help that the answers contradict with the answers I got from a Catholic colleague.
Whoa, hold on, before you flip the table, I am not here to dis any religion or faith. I was young and self-absorbed; my time simply wasn’t ripe yet, if you know what I mean. I thought the only reality that is real was the reality I can see with my eyes, smell with my nose, hear with my ears and maybe even taste with my tongue.
Until my then-boyfriend-now-husband introduced me to this book series called the Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch.
Honestly? I had avoided reading when he first shoved Book 1 into my face. Well, I just couldn’t! Looking at the title, apparently, it is going to talk about God and religion; maybe Christianity or Catholicism. I was so uninterested. The funny thing is, after some time, one day out of the blue, I had the urge to pick up the book and read it. No kidding. It was one of the “book urges” whereby I usually have a sudden strong urge to read a certain book and will amazingly find answers to my current issues/ problems/ situations within the pages. I opened the book and read it, and then there was no turning back for me.
If you know me personally, you would remember how I was a super no-God kind of person. To me then, there were a bunch of “loopholes” that I just couldn’t bring myself to believe. But the strangest thing happened: not only do I enjoy the book tremendously (the series blew my mind away), there was not even one doubt in my mind at all! It felt like I knew what was written in there to be true; no question asked. I really can’t explain why, but I guess the time is right for me to start awakening. Awaken to the unseen truth in the universe. it felt like a whole new world of truth was revealed to me. It was an amazing feeling that I wish I could remain in it forever.
Gradually, this feeling faded when “reality” sets in: job. Also at the time, I got interested in the idea of Law of Attraction (to primarily increase my wealth and luck). Though I believe in it (to a certain extent), I didn’t practice it vigorously like some successful and wealthy people do. Together with it, my mindset changed. It changed from thinking that job-is-security to start-your-own-business-so-you-will-have-a-higher-chance-to-retire-better-and-earlier. There was a period where I think that having more and lots of money is extremely important. I thus got dissatisfied with the life I was living. Snoozed when my alarm rang, pulled myself out of bed, commuted to work like sardines in a can, super busy with work from 8.30am to 6pm, sometimes needed to work overtime till 8pm or even later, commuted back home like sardines in a can again, spent three hours or so “unwinding” (which means doing mindless stuff such as camping in Facebook, Instagram, Youtube and reading novels), then finally, forced myself to sleep just to start the next day like a breathing zombie. It freaked me out that I would be spending my days and months and years like that, for the rest of my life. I could easily be one of the many walking dead and waited till my life comes to an end without achieving anything special. Or worth mentioning. How would my eulogy be like at my wake? Do I want to be known as someone who was holding a XX position in XX company for XX number of years or do I want to be known as a kind, loving, gentle, humble and wise woman?
So two months before my wedding (which was in Oct 2016), I quitted my job. People around me were shocked because I left my job without another next in the line, especially when I was two months to my wedding when I needed money the most. But yeah, I quitted my job. I kept myself busy with all the wedding preparation. Finally, my wedding day came and passed, I went for my honeymoon in Europe and came back, went briefly into another job for more than a month, quitted at the end of 2016 and officially from 1 Jan 2017, I am unemployed and… I am stuck. With myself.
Logically, I should either start my own business or find another job. Plainly speaking, do something productive so I am earning money and feeling worthy. Or simply to get people off my back. But here I am, more than five months after my wedding day, jobless, refusing to find another job, not interested in being an entrepreneur.
Honestly? I don’t really like the current me now. I quitted my job thinking that I would be starting my life anew doing great stuff. I started 2017 thinking to myself that I would take a short break, I see it as a reward for working continuously for more than 8 years since graduation. I told myself I needed some time anyway to adjust to being newly married and living with in-laws. Whenever people I meet asked me about what I am currently doing, my plans and etc, I would dish out the script I drafted last year but never, ever get around actualising it.
Less than one month into my unemployment status, I started to find stress coming from all directions. My husband, parents and in-laws would think that I am wasting my time doing nothing. Initially in my first one or two months of unemployment, I could straighten my back and inform them that I do have plans in mind, but I am simply taking a break now. I would also remind them that I have been out of job for only one or two months and it’s a normal thing for people nowadays to take a short break in between jobs.
But in March 2017, right now, I can kid myself no further. The same script which I have used on all my loved ones does not work well for them and me anymore. Me, especially for me. It is hard to admit it to myself, but I no longer feel good about my current situation. The situation which I have created. Some friends envy me for being able to stay at home without a job when my husband is providing for me. They envy me that I can lay around all day doing nothing. But what they didn’t know and what I didn’t expect was the stress I felt. In fact, it was even more stressful than when I was in a job (especially when my in-laws keep pushing me to have a baby soon). To be fair, my husband and in-laws are kind and understanding people who are OK with me starting a new and different path, as long as I am moving forward and not remaining status quo like now. I also became super sensitive, thinking that everyone (almost) is judging me, deeming me as unworthy and wasting my time. I told my husband just last week, when I think I was on the point of breaking, that why is everyone judging someone’s worth by the job they have and the money that they bring in? Why can’t they see past these materialistic points and see a person’s inner values?
Now, come to think of it, I wasn’t wrong but I wasn’t right too. If I were really doing something, if I were really moving forward, albeit slowly, I believe my loved ones would be encouraging instead of criticising. But I wasn’t. I was simply standing on the same place where I left my last job. But what came out from my mouth last week to my husband sounded more like lame excuses to justify my procrastination and unwillingness to move forward in the material world than pure and unbias opinion.
This is where the inner struggle comes into the picture. The thirst to find seclusion in this busy world and explore my spirituality self.
My logical mind thinks that it is best for me to either get a job or start fulfil my script (write a book, make Youtube videos, conduct seminars or workshops). But my wilful heart just want to find a quiet place and explore all the wonders and possibilities of this universe… spiritually. Sounds ridiculous? But this is really how I am feeling.
This period is unbearable. Maybe you are thinking, why can’t you just do one of these things you listed? Procrastination. Procrastination is really one of the scariest and most dangerous state of mind and being to be in. Instant gratification is so tempting that I put off things I ought to do that will allow me to benefit and grow in the long run. I admit I am quite a procrastinator for most of my life. And the scary thing about it is that I am beginning to detest myself for being one. I love myself! Well, I should be! Do I? If I do, why am I sabotaging myself?
What I need to do now is to strike balance. The balance between living in this real world and still practice spirituality in my life. I can’t believe it took me so long to realise this, to think about this. Balance! Unless I could abandon all things and find my seclusion in some high mountain cave, otherwise, I better balance my life.
So, what’s my plan now? There is no plan. I think I should stop making plans and keeping them all in my head only. OK, maybe I should have a general plan, to serve as a general guide. Not going to ramble about it much, because it would probably sound like another “script” right now. Just do it! That whatever idea which comes into my mind instead of fondling with it until it grows old and dies.
Reading what I have written from the top, which I intended to write about my spiritual loneliness, this article turns out to be some kind of self-reflection. Oh well. There’s this saying that Plans can never keep up with Changes, yea?
I’m typing this in the middle of the night (currently at 1.24am to be precise).
This is pretty random. Few hours ago, it occurred to be that I still have a blog in WordPress! I started the blog on a high and then it just…die off. Two years ago.
Now I decided to revive it! Haha. Not on a whim, though. Ok, maybe this post is indeed on a whim, but I have made up my mind lately to really continue with blogging. And so, 凭着一股三分钟热度的enthusiasm I changed my blog format! It now looks soooo much cheerier than before 😀 More like me, not acting serious and all. LOL.
In these two years while I was “away”, I have quit my job, gotten married, and am now shaking leg (I wish. OK, maybe a little) at home. After eight consecutive years of being in the workforce since graduation from poly, I think this is the best time for me to stop and rest for a while and then… change a new career path (O.M.G. at age close to 30!). AND, I am super grateful for my husband who is soooo supportive (in case he is reading this, you know). Husband, Saranghae ❤
The difference between my future posts and my past few posts is that I’m not going to rack my brain anymore trying to think of “awesomely-good” content to blog about. I’m just gonna follow my heart and type whatever comes to my mind. Haha! Gonna stop trying to impress people~ Because…seriously. This is a really bad habit of mine: trying to be perfect. In the end, I got nothing that I have in mind started because I don’t think I have perfected in any of the things I wanna do. Sad leh. 😦
Wait. Come to think of it, this is my first blog post again after a two-year hiatus…and in January somemore…I should have started with a post on resolu—
*yawns* OK, finally feeling sleepy. It’s 1.43am now and my husband is still playing his Secret World but I don’t frigging care so I’m gonna turn in to bed already!
OK… Day 5 came extremely late, and I am totally guilty of it.
I admit I do have chances to continue with the 15 Days Affirmation Challenge for the past 10 days, but I did not. I was… busy with life, and was (am) feeling mentally exhausted. Not the right state of mind to continue with the challenge because it would all be but half-heartedness. And that is the last thing I want it to happen to the challenge.
So, hope you would forgive me (if you have been waiting at all) T_T!
OK, there are just SO many things to talk about of the Day-5 affirmation, and it’s my personal favourtite just by looking at the topic! Without further ado, let’s begin, yo!
Day 5 [Gratitude]
1. Identify three things that you tend to take for granted.
i. Definitely the people who love me. And they are usually the people I love too. The categories of people who topped this list has to be my family. They are always there for me. Well, not like they can choose to not having me as their family member (haha), but they tend to be more lenient towards me. I can show the ugliest side of myself with complete assurance that they would just accept it and never turn their backs at me (albeit with curses and swears). And I definitely owe them my life and yet… they are the people I seem to thank the least 😦 Gonna change that now!
ii. The fact that I am alive and breathing. Most of us tend to wake up every working morning, either dreading the day or cursing the day. Me, for one, do not wake up jumping out of bed and celebrating another day’s of life. Bad start of the day, eh?
iii. My health. Recently, my health started to sound the alarm, and I was alarmed. Good health is one thing I always take for granted, and I feed myself with rubbish food, sleep at ungodly hour only to be sleep-derived the next morning and started the day with negativity, and think I am young and healthy enough to not rely on regular exercise to keep my good health. Argh. Am totally regretting my absurd teen years now.
2. Identify 10 things that you are grateful for in your life.
i. My family. Without them, I wouldn’t be here. Period.
ii. Myself. I am thankful that I love myself. I am thankful that I appreciate me. I am thankful for the eyes to see, the nose to smell, the mouth to talk and eat, the ears to listen, the heart to beat… you get the drift.
iii. My friends. They spice up my life, and we trust each other in times of crisis. I am thankful to have groups of trusted and close peers!
iv. My boyfriend. He has opened my eyes and mind on financial blueprint and alot more things. I am thankful that he is a loving and supportive man 🙂
v. The earth; the sun, the wind, the rain. I am so, so thankful for the air to breathe, the beautiful place to reside, and so many more to be grateful for. Thank you for having me here! Earlier this year, for months we did not have a single drop of rain in Singapore. We are a Garden City and I recalled how traumatised I have felt when I saw the grasses and trees turn brown and wither, and how the soil cracked from dryness. I was seriously overcome with sadness. And when it finally rained, we rejoiced!
vi. My job. It is not my complete passion, but it opens doors. I am a stronger person with greater resilience, and I am extremely grateful for the chance to accept the challenge and grow bigger than the obstacle. I felt accomplished and the more I uncover unimaginable things about myself, the more I love me more.
vii. Singapore. I am thankful to be born in Singapore, and not any where else where Education, clean water, a roof over my head and plenty food on the table are luxuries and not mandatory.
viii. My passion to read and write. Reading has made up a huge and important part of my life in unimaginable ways. I feel thankful that I love to read.
ix. Future. I am thankful to have ideas on the directions which I can grow to become in the future.
x. Now. I am extremely thankful for Now. I am alive and breathing now and that is the most important thing to feel grateful for.
3. Identify ONE thing you can do TODAY to express gratitude to any one item on your list.
OK, instead of “today” (since now is close to 11.30pm), I shall list one thing which I am going to do “tomorrow”.
I am going to jump out of bed feeling grateful and elated and full of energy instead of dragging my limp body out of bed! Hey, don’t judge me, I think this is a HUGE challenge 😀
4. Say today’s affirmation.
“I’m grateful for everything in my life.”
Gratitude is one very positive emotion which is incredibly important to have and to practise in everyday life. If a person feels no gratitude, not even the slightest in everyday life, this person is basically a very, very unhappy person.
OK. This is going to be a long and stinky story. HAHA. Ready? Where’s your popcorns?
So, by now, you should know that I am working (albeit slowly) towards being a coach in the future. My lifetime dream job is to make the people around me feeling happier and happier on their own. I hope for them to be aware of their capabilities to be happy even in every day’s life. ESPECIALLY in their every day’s lives.
Regardless of you being happy or sad, life still goes on, so why not choose to take on life in a happier mood?
OK, I am digressing. So, I aim to becoming a coach who will specialise in Positive Psychology in near (hopefully) future.
But there are obstaclessss appearing already!
It’s the Money. No kidding, yep, we are talking about the big M here (not McDonald’s!).
I do not know how is it like to be a full-time coach nor do I know much a person can earn from being a full-time coach (cum all the many other things I want to do too :D), but being a fairly low-risked human, I hope to have a reasonable sum of mony (for survival) for my transition period. I’m not talking about a hundred thousand dollars here. It would be a fairly reasonable and attainable sum *cough*
But well, just when I am looking at saving this sum of money and feeling so excited and jittery about my bling bling future at the same time… BAM. Incidents happened.
I have given myself a certain timeline to earn that enough money at my current job. And I am faced with stress at work => affecting health => worried = > double stress. My team used to consist of nine people. Since February this year until now, 4 have left (of whom 2 are my closest colleagues), 1 is leaving, 1 might be leaving soon. <insert mind-screams> WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE! <end of mind-screams> So you see; my initial plan was to stay for at least another year at this job. But now, with the shortage of manpower cum my best and closest colleagues left cum increased workload cum peak period of the year… .
My parents are… in the middle of a… huge disagreement which will result in a separation. Coming soon, yo! So, all the more I need the BIG M. And that means I cannot afford to be a full-time self-employed person. As of now. That steady source of income… I hate to admit it, but it is crucial to me and my family at this point of time.
I am honestly not the best person to manage finances at the moment. That is because I have my course fees to pay and some other installments such as insurances and etc. Ah… I need more monies!
OK, so I am supposed to identify a single obstacle, and I did 3 of them, haha. THIS IS GOING TO BE A LONG POST, TSK.
2. Identify action(s) to overcome this obstacle.
Reframing. Yep, this is something which I have been using, and am still using right now. At least, it makes me feel positive towards this job. I am so VERY proud of myself for staying onto this job… and still planning to hang on longer! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU, CHLOE SIM! You go, girl! 😀 (giving encouragements to yourself is very important too!)
People say that cognitive reframing doesn’t last long . Personally, I think it can last pretty long, depending on how you reframe your mind and adjust your mindset. And how frequently you do that. HAHA does it sound like brainwashing yourself?
And this leads to the next step! 😀
3. Create new positive belief(s) to help you overcome this obstacle.
No kidding. I am a living (HAHA, though still on-going) example of this.
It can be extremely low morale to work in an environment where there is tons of work to be done, you got to meet deadlines every single day, lack of communication with the bosses and yet people are leaving. And you know that you are going to take on even MORE workload because there are lesser people around now! And and and, to top it off, the people who are leaving are the people who you have fun with the most, who you love the most and who you think are the most dependable colleagues.
It really isn’t easy.
Not to mention, to commute to work is a long and tiring journey. Every morning feels like a battle commuting to work. I squeeze in the bus, pull myself out from the can of packed sardines, only to flung myself into another bigger can of sardines aka squeeze in the train. I basically brisk-walked in superb mode all the way to work from the moment I step out of my house. I was drained by the time I reached the office. And then the next long battle begins for the next 9 hours. There was to a point where I hated the morning battle so much that I have the strongest urge to leave my job just so I can end this *wave arm around*.
But I hadn’t.
Why are some people always job-hopping? That is because they do not know what they want from the job. In almost every single job, you would definitely feel tired and sick of it. You would definitely feel like you are under (boredom) / over (stressed) challenged and wish for a change in environment. But every job is the same; if you do not know your purpose of being in this job.
At least, this works for me. I recognise my negative thoughts streaming like volcano lavas every single day. And then one day, I simply put a stop to them. I bring down the entire North Pole on them. OK, not funny. I brainstormed with myself, the pros and cons of staying, and I realised that the pros are material benefits whereas the cons are just being too emotional.
Isn’t being happy the most important thing? You might ask. Yes, it is, of course! But there are short-term happiness and long-term happiness. One got to weigh, at crucial times.
What do I need the most now? The material benefits. Come along in a package would be my long-term happiness. I have looked around and realised that this job offers me the best monetary deal for what paper qualifications I have currently. If I were to leave this place, I would:
a. Spend a longer time to save up the sum of money which I have planed;
b. New environment: got to build up the rapport with people from scratch.
I don’t plan to stay in the rat race for long, so why do I want to switch to a job which would require me to spending unnecessary amount of time and energy on areas where I could avoid?
I see myself as building up more and more RESILIENCE within myself. I have tuned my mindset in such a way that, I am so very, very curious as to how far I can go (aka stay longer) at this job. Hey, Curiosity can be a very important positive emotion!
At this job where people are expecting me to leave at any time soon because, well, just because, but I am hanging on! And managed to enjoy myself while I am hanging by the edge of the cliff, haha!
I believe that having a purpose or an agenda in every thing that you do or circumstance is extremely important. That is because I believe that at times of setbacks or darkness, the purpose, the WHY (why are you in this job in the first place? Why do you choose this XXX in the first place?) will be the beacon of light. The WHY will act as a buffer; it will be the reason you are able to hang on just a little bit more so as to achieve your desired outcome. Yes, you are doing all these for no one else, but for yourself! Never forget that! 😀
Of course, if the cons heavily outweigh the pros… pushing yourself to hang on further might not be a good thing.
I can go on writing more and more but… another day perhaps~ 😀
To conclude this step, I believe that having positive beliefs are extremely important. They lead the way you shape subsequent thoughts. And we all know that thoughts => actions => results. We do not want one negative thought to ruin a supposedly good result or results, don’t we?
4. Say your new belief(s), along with today’s affirmation:
“I’ve the power to overcome any obstacle that stands in my way.”
Sorry, I was away for a day, and now I have four days of affirmation challenges to catch up! Nfsjfsfskfnskfnsk
Randomness aside, let my Day-3 begin, yo!
Day 3: [Ability]
“I can achieve anything I want, as long as I set my heart to it.”
Aha! I was one of the many victims of self-doubting my abilities right until last year. I have many dreams but I let my scary-cat self get the better of me – or rather, my ability.
I thought I was just an ordinary woman… do my dreams matter to the world or even to the people around me? Would it affect me? So what if I do not set my heart to realizing them?
I even thought that I could never, ever achieve anything (minus the stuff which I haven’t achieved yet due to procrastination… uh oh).
But that, has changed tremendously ever since the start of Year 2014 😀
1. Identify a goal/dream that you’re blocking yourself in currently.
I used to have a lot of dreams which I was blocking them with my very own hands. But I came to understand that only me and my mind can do funny tricks to myself. My attendance at the 2014 National Achievers Congress has made me even more determined to fight till the very end in life. I mean, hey, it’s MY LIFE. If I don’t take charge, who could do that for me?
That being said… right now, there’s only one left which will still do an occasional peek-a-boo on me. Yep, I am trying hard to overcome this:
I might not be a good speaker and a coach.
2. Identify your self-limiting belief(s) in this goal/dream.
My spoken English is not good enough to be a speaker.
Who would engage my services as a Life Coach in Positive Psychology?
Ok, regarding the first point on my self-belittling belief system on my English language, I have some confidence issue when it comes to this area. Growing up in a Mandarin speaking family, I think I speak way better Mandarin than English. Even though I have people around me telling me that my English is good enough than average Singaporeans, I am still not very convinced. Perhaps it was due to a few “humiliating” incidents when I was younger… Somehow while growing up, I have a lot of friends around me who are very fluent in speaking English. There were a few incidents when I have mispronounced words, and I felt ashamed. These most likely resulted in me having low self-confidence in speaking English. I tend to fumble with the words on my tongue! Urgh.
As for the point on being a coach, I have all the fears and doubts. Even though I have friends around me who have more confidence in me than I have in myself, I still have these self-doubts on my ability to becoming a coach. I think… I was worried and afraid that I wouldn’t be able to help my clients in the way I want to help them.
3. Change this self-limiting belief(s).
Don’t be shy Chloe, just speak out loud! If you know you tend to speak at a very fast pace hence making the words fumble even more, slow down! You don’t want to get a ticket for speeding! … OK that was lame randomness.
Yep, so what if I sound like an idiot (OK, I seriously don’t think I am so bad to this extent but, you know) when I speak in English? Just put more consciousness into it when speaking English to people! Don’t get intimidated by your past experiences! And. Speak. S-l-o-w-e-r. Don’t always talk like you are gonna catch a train =.=
As for the coaching part, you know you can do it! You have all the people around you proving to you that you can do it! You already have plans on becoming a coach, just follow through and you shall see for yourself!
Aja Aja fighting!
4. Identify action step(s) you’re going to take to realize this goal/dream.
OK, finally something I can hold my head high 😀
I have signed up for a public speaking course and will be attending it in early August… woot!
I am currently taking up the diploma in Positive Psychology, the crucial component to becoming the coach that I want to be in the future.
Looking good, Chloe! 😀
5. Say your new belief(s), along with today’s affirmation:
“I can achieve anything I want, as long as I set my heart to it.”
OK, spoken out loud cum screamed in my head 😀
It is a nasty thing to admit to yourself the things that are bothering you. Especially when you just want to turn a blind eye to these hidden issues until they really surface as problem (usually at crucial times).
But I’m glad I did, in writing and sharing. Especially when I continue writing the action plans to change the negative beliefs, I feel more assured 😀
LOL. I felt like I was reprimanding myself though. Yep, I need a good scolding, by myself! Look at what kind of rubbish I have been telling myself and making myself believe in these kind of trash. Tsk tsk tsk.
“I can achieve anything I want, as long as I set my heart to it!: This is definitely gonna be a true story which I would be telling people in the future 😀
The sky was pouring now as I was writing this and I love weathers like this (especially when I was snuggling at home :D)!
I have just completed my Day-1 positive affirmative in Celes’ 15-Day Affirmations Challenge 🙂
OK, I gotta catch up with the rest (currently at Day-4), let’s go~!
Day 2: [Self-Love]
1. Identify any self-hating thoughts you may have.
Mm…OK. Honestly speaking, I do speak bad of myself on occasions, and they always center around my flabby arms, swimming-float-like tummy, big thighs and cellulite.
I complain of these areas, I wish they would all be two sizes smaller, but I don’t hate myself.
Simply put, I love myself too much to bear such strong negative feelings towards myself! 😀
2. Identify the reason behind this self-hate.
Oh! I want to look like a supermodel. I have a girl-crush on Miranda Kerr.
We are so heavilyinfluenced (aka brainwashed) by the media nowadays that we cannot seem to forgive ourselves if we cannot squeeze into a size 2 dress 😮
Bad, I know, but who has really given a two cents worth of thought into this? It has been coded into our DNA that even if we knew that being able to fit into a size 2 dress is not everything, we still yearn it. We see it as a form of confidence boost. Having a supermodel body would raise the confidence bar to a sky-high extent,I believe, but do we really need this to define ourselves? So what is going on with our self-worth?
And not to mention that there are drastic people doing drastic measures just so as to achieve that kind of results!
But for lazy people like me, all I do is to complain, exercise once a week, try not to eat too much of McDonald’s in a month and that’s all. Can I even fit into a size 8 dress? HAHA.
Of course I do admit that at times, when I look at those pretty dresses which would only look good if they are three sizes smaller than me, I would wish for a sexier body~ Sexy lady eh!
3. Change your self-hating thoughts.
Body is only a shell (or so I am telling myself). I believe that I am one in a million. I am born to achieve greatness! HAHA.
4. Identify your action step(s) to love yourself today.
If this shell is what is bothering me, then I better do something about it. No point whining and complaining and yet allow the weeds to grow like wild fire, yes?
I am currently exercising once a week (Zumba). I aim to also jog… once a week. And I dislike jogging so much! But it is a low cost method which I believed would train my mind. Yep.
I am planning to take up Yogilates (yoga cum pilates) once a week too. I once went for eight classes and then I stopped. The classes were on Saturday mornings! *face palm* Well… I guess this is one way to train my mind too.
The reason for wanting to take up Yogilates is because Yoga is all about stretching the body (deskbound job kills practically any body) and training the mind. Pilates is all about shedding some fats, yo!
Trying to lose some kilograms aside, I strongly believe in leading a healthier lifestyle equals loving yourself. I am currently cutting down on fried food, sugars, salts, meat and the list goes on. Basically, I am increasing my intake of fruits and vegetables 😀 And it feels. So. Good! No kidding! Will blog about it on another day 🙂
6. Say your new belief(s) and affirmation. Then, with your arms still hugging your body, say your new belief(s) out loud, along with today’s affirmation:
“I love myself unconditionally.”
This affirmation is not very applicable to me right now. It might, however, in rainy days (not literally).
The hugging part is unexpected though. If you felt some stretching going on during the self-hugging people, then I believe you are on the right track 😀
There will be every-day affirmations followed by specific tasks/ questions to complete or to answer. I will be blogging all 15 affirmations which I would be performing in here. At the end of each task-of-the-day, I will provide my two cents worth on how I feel about the day’s challenge and how it has impacted me (positive, negative or neutral).
It was already Day-4 when I participated. I have pondered if I should begin from Day-4’s task where the current challenge is at now, or should I start from Day-1 instead.
After consideration, I decided to begin from Day-1. Even though I would love to start from Day-4’s task so as to be at real time with all the other participants, I thought there must be a reason for such sequence of the affirmations/ tasks. Why disrupt it for myself? So! I decided to start from Day-1’s affirmation instead 😀
OK! Let me just copy and paste the topic here…:
#AffirmationChallenge Day 1 [New Beginning]: “Today is a brand new day. My past does not define me. My future is mine to create.”
It is a 5-pointer task, with 4 questions and 1 action.
Let’s have the drum roll~ Dummmm…~ *having fun all by myself*
1. What are ONE area of your life where you’ve been limiting yourself or that you feel limited in?
If it was the “me” in the past, I would probably list a ton of stuff which I think I have been limiting myself/ felt limited in.
The first on the list got to be me constantly worrying about my future success rate. I have doubts on myself. There are things that I want to do, the results I want to achieve and the life I want to live. I had a classmate who is a pastor, he said his mission statement in life is to “dream boldly, live courageously, love sacrificially”.
I think it is awesome. How many people nowadays dare to “dream boldly, live courageously, love sacrificially”?
Too many of us have fear, and still do. We fear of the unforeseen future, we doubt our “capabilities” and “abilities” to achieve. Some fear to dream, some do not even dream.
A dream is what makes a person comes alive. Without dreams, there is no clear direction in life, and I would expect one to develop self-doubt feelings and prevents one from feeling the greatest sense of self-satisfaction.
My self-doubt on my future is my greatest limitation. I have a lot of dreams, but I always used to allow fear to cripple me. But now, I am training my “go whack ‘em!” muscle so that I can use it whenever I feel fear and self-doubt creeping up on me 😀
So! I will be a writer!
A life coach specialising in positive psychology!
A great daughter!
A loving wife and a caring mother!
And most importantly, a person with a humble heart and compassionate spirit 🙂
2. What is the belief statement you’ve been harboring in this area? And is it serving/helping you to accomplish your goal?
I always believed that I am never good enough to be all of the above mentioned. I always believed that I am just a very ordinary woman who might never get a chance to change the “world”. I had always believed that I would never master the skills that I want in order to achieve my dreams.
Also, I think the people around me have more or less contributed to my negative belief system. My family thought that it would be good enough to have a monthly steady paycheck. Any attempt to do something different is “jeopardising” my future. I guess this is a pretty common experience a lot of us have? Granted we love our family and friends, but our lives and dreams are solely ours to live and achieve. To put it bluntly, how have such of their philosophies helped them so far?
Of course all these negative beliefs have done me more harm than good. I have wasted 5 years of my life prior to now thinking that I can never be good enough. It is like poison, and I literally am belittling myself for thinking so. What greatness could come out of these?
I am so glad that I have awakened 😀
3. Change this belief(s).Given that the belief from #2 is limiting, what empowering belief(s) can you change it to?
Whenever I begin to develop self-doubts, I will constantly remind myself of my desires and dreams by asking myself a very simple question:
If I were to stop now just because I was so scared and worried, would I be contented with a mundane and meaningless life? Would I die if I fail upon trying?
And you bet; the answer is always a big NO!
4. Identify your action step(s) to make the change!
I am going to take albeit baby steps to achieve my milestone-goals so that my dream would not look so daunting!
I am currently taking up a diploma in Positive Psychology. It is one step to equip myself with the basic knowledge that I would need to become a life coach 🙂
I am also actively attending seminars which would broaden my mind and help me being an entrepreneur.
I already have ideas for my book(s), and all I need is to put them into words! I will complete a book by the end of this year HAHA 😀
5. Say your new belief out loud, along with today’s affirmation:
“Today is a brand new day.
My past does not define me.
My future is mine to create.”
OK, have said out loudly!
The first question was surprisingly tough to answer. The one person whom you can never succeed in lying to is oneself. Hence, I feel that the first question was a very “raw” question; it forces you to say your flaw out loud. The more difficult it is to admit aloud to the area which you feel that you have been limiting yourself, the bigger the issue is.
The subsequent questions are fairly easy to answer. Perhaps due to I am already at the stage of cancelling my past negative beliefs and implementing new ones, the responses come naturally to me 😀
Overall, I feel that this is a good exercise; it is a step-by-step guide to leading us come into a conclusion with ourselves.
Hello Everyone! How was the past week like for you?
Towards the end of my previous post (My Takeaway from N.A.C 2014), I have briefly mentioned listing down some of the things you desire to achieve in life as a simple Start; basically the life that you would deem to be the Perfect Life for you 😀
How was that going for you? If you have not done so, I urge you to do so now! That is because after you have communicated with yourself by writing down the components which would make up your Dream Life, it would be the Start of an amazing and exciting journey that you most probably wouldn’t want to miss a day 😀
I am mostly (mostly because I am human so I would have my doubts once in a while haha) living my days like that now. I am currently in a job which is not my dream career, but it doesn’t matter. I am still happy because I know that I am working step by step towards my goals. And I also know that every thing which has happened in my life is my greatest teacher. Sounds cliché I know, but something has happened which made me a strong believer in this. And we shall leave that for another day 😀
I have mentioned a lot on passions and dreams and goals in my previous post. But what if you have absolutely no idea as to what to do with your life? What if you, after having torn your hair out, have come to the conclusion that you neither have any passion nor any dream? You might be thinking: OMG I have no passion, no dream, no goal! Am I lesser as a person?
No! Certainly not!
Fret not people, fret not! Not all of us are lucky to be someone who knew right from the start of their lives who/ what they want to be in the future. And not everyone’s dreams and passions have to be “great” and “noble”. I have a friend whose dream is to be a loving wife and a caring mother. I think that is one awesome dream, isn’t it?
I myself have come a long way to discovering my passions in life. And they certainly do not come easily to me like a snap of my fingers. In fact, they took me more than ten years.
My long self-discovery journey began when I was perhaps six or seven years old. Yep, you read me right; I was that young. I have always wanted to be in the media for as long as I could remember. Watching TV was my favourite pastime when I was a kid. I was fascinated by the seemingly exciting and glamourous world in that little black box.
I watched Sharon Au on variety shows (City Beat was my then top favourite), and I wanted to be a TV host. I remember I would walk around the house, mumbling to myself, introducing imaginary stuff like I was a TV host interviewing people and their new products.
Then it came a chance when a kids channel was looking for a kiddo TV host. I was elated! I went through the photo album and spend a long afternoon picking my best full body picture and writing my “resume” letter to introduce myself to the producer.
I have sent my cute photo and kiddish letter with high hopes and dreams. But they had ended up like small pebbles sinking into the big ocean.
Wait, I do not remember if they have sent me a notification letter of rejection. Regardless, I wasn’t selected, haha.
But it was OK. I was a kid full of impossible dreams and hopes.
Teacher, lawyer, TV host, TV announcer, doctor, entrepreneur, writer, air stewardess, counselor… my dreams were always changing. My future was full of possibilities.
The time came when I really gave a serious thought to my future was when I was 14 years old. I was being pulled into the English Drama Club as my school’s CCA by a friend.
I have never thought of doing anything related to acting. I never thought that I could act, too (yes, I can HAHA). I remember I used to loathe going to my CCA on every Wednesday. I thought that those two hours were torturous. But somehow, I got deeply involved. When I was in Secondary 2, I got selected to participate in a Drama competition held by the National Library Board. There were five of us. We adopted the Wizard of Oz, me being the Wizard and the Wicked Witch of the East at the same time. It was such a fun experience! We came in second place amongst 49 other schools. It was awesome.
I started to enjoy acting. And I realized I can act! I started to dream of being an actress. I was very fortunate to have a very supportive mother. She listened to all my impossible ever-changing dream-talks and supported me whole-heartedly. When I was 17, I went for an audition at Mediacorp, and got a minor role in a Channel 8 TV drama, A Promise for Tomorrow, alongside with Rui En and Qi Yuwui. Guess what? I was acting as a retard! 😀 Well… I was supposed to be auditioning for a student role. Instead, I was selected to act as a… very innocent girl.
I had fake bunny teeth and cottoned-fat body! And that hair, that hair! It had negatively affected me greatly during that three months period when I was supposed to keep that retarded hairstyle. I even suspected that I was very close to having mild depression at that time. That, is another story to be shared in near future 😀
Well, I thought this could be the beginning of my acting career but that too, was like a slightly bigger pebble just causing ripples on the water… and then nothing more.
Subsequently, I went for a talent scout acting competition and a DJ hunt, both to no avail. I even joined Jack Neo’s (a famous local director) talent nurturing program… and that too, was one of the many pebbles.
I didn’t allow myself to think of alternatives besides being in the showbiz. Perhaps it was every young girl’s dream to want to be an entertainer, but it was indeed a very real dream to me. And yet, I hadn’t tried with all my might. Fear of failure and embarrassment had gotten the better of me. I should have just tried with all I have! Instead, I withheld just because I didn’t wish to be seen as trying too hard and yet possibly fail *slap my forehead*.
Gradually, reality sets in (or so I think). I have always been taught that in Singapore, there is no room for artistic dreams and goals. Everyone works hard to get either a diploma or a bachelor degree. Then they would get themselves a good and steady job, get married and have kids; basically slogging through their entire lives until they get old and die. All without knowing what they had lived for, right until the moment when they kicked the bucket.
This is not the life that I want.
I graduated with a Diploma in Business Administration from the Singapore Polytechnic. It was not a diploma which I like and want. I started my full-time permanent job when I was 20 years old. I have spent a very long time thinking of what I was going to do with my Life and my career path in the future.
My friends around me started on their part-time bachelor courses. Some of them simply wanted to have a bachelor degree just so they could earn slightly more money and get a better job and not because they love the forte in which they are taking up.
No, I do not want a life like that. And so I struggled with me, myself and I.
Sometimes I wondered: why can’t I be simpler?
Why can’t I just be contented with a random job which gives me my monthly paychecks and be done with?
Why am I thinking so darn hard just so that I can really be in a job which I really love and enjoy doing?
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”
I have always liked helping people in any ways and I love interacting with people. Basically, I love talking HAHA. So, I have been in the field of customer service for as long as I can remember. From my school vacation days as a retail assistant to being a customer service executive now, I cannot imagine a job which requires me to communicate with tons of paperwork and nothing else.
Should my conversation go, “Hello Minutes, don’t you think there is no life-meaning to use my time creating you?”
Or, “Hello Statistics, do you think you can save me the trouble by plotting your own graphs?”
I don’t want to spend my precious time on things I do not enjoy!
I love interacting with real people from different walks of lives. People who would confide in you even though it was a pure professional transaction. Of course, it can be real demoralizing and tiring at times. Gradually, I got really tired of being in the customer service line of work. But where can I go and what can I do! I know I would not live a life like that forever, but I don’t know which the direction to my Lifelong Happiness and Satisfaction is.
One thing I am proud of myself is that I never, ever stop thinking on what I want to achieve in my life. I have already spent more than ten years thinking, and I never give up. To give up exploring all the possibilities is as good as giving up on me and my entire life of happiness. And I want to be happy doing the things I do!
So, I should be the last person to give up on myself! In fact, I should forbid me from giving up on Me. That is because I am the most important person in my world, and I should be living my best life, nothing lesser than that. It is only by being happy that I would be able to make other people happy too 😀 I want me and all the people around me to be happy!
Just when I thought that I might find my dream or passion only when I reach 80 years old… tada! I came across a newspaper advertisement on an open house seminar talk held by this school on Positive Psychology and Psychotherapy.
Out of curiosity, I registered for the talk. And it was one of the many best decisions I have ever made in my life. Seriously. This looks like what I have always been looking for!
THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR! I was literally screaming in my head.
I am known to listen to family and friends and colleagues, always easily putting myself in their shoes, and give some really sound advices (no kidding). And I always feel a sense of satisfaction when I see that I am able to help my loved ones resolve their issues. It was always an awesome feeling that I want to do it forever.
And what would be a better job than to earn money from doing the things that I want to do forever?
But my self-discovery journey did not stop here.
After attending the talk, I wanted to be a psychotherapist. Now, that is a niche field in Singapore. I have no background, no experience, I don’t know how the heck I am going to do it and there is no one around me who has the experiences and the knowledge to guide me. I thought that by taking up the Diploma in Psychotherapy with the school is an awesome start to my lifelong career. I was so, so excited and full of hope for my future.
I was 21 years old when I started the part-time courses. I finished the program within 2 years. It could be faster, but I needed to have a Professional Diploma in Psychotherapy before I could practice on my own. And I needed to be at least 25 years old before I could enroll in the Professional Diploma course.
But when I finally reached the age of 25, I simply couldn’t bring myself to be enrolled in this Professional Diploma course. I was this close to doing what I want to do, and yet I did not take action. Why? I was confused with myself.
But I knew for sure, one of the reasons which had stopped me was due to my fear of walking down this “unpopular” path. Being a psychotherapist is definitely not mainstream in Singapore. I was worried and afraid of what would happen if I continued down this road. I shuddered to think about the obstacles I would face. What if I fail? What if I was not cut out to do this?
Regardless of how much I studied, it was still a Diploma. It wasn’t a bachelor degree. In Singapore, paper qualification is very important. Almost everyone judges you by the educational level you had attained.
And so, I enrolled myself into UniSIM’s (a local private university designed for working adults) Bachelor in English Communication with Psychology.
See the element of psychology even when I thought I have given up on being a psychotherapist? HAHA.
Anyway, it didn’t last even for a term! Haha, yes! I totally ditched school and withdraw from this bachelor program after one month. I simply couldn’t stand spending my time on something which I wasn’t passionate enough. And no no no, I wasn’t a rich girl, it was all my hard-earned money, but I am a strong believer in Everything Happens For A Reason. This is a lesson earned, albeit an expensive one. I would rather waste that one term of money than to force myself to completing the bachelor studies unhappily wasting even more money and precious time on it!
It brought me back to my “core”.
I even went back to The School of Positive Psychology and had a small chat with Stephen again. I am so thankful for that talk, because he has pointed out a flaw in me which I did not realize.
He told me that life is never a straight path. It is a winding road in which you can never know what would be there waiting until you turn around at the corner. You can only continue walking with faith. You could come up with a hundred and thousand of possible obstacles and tried to come up with a hundred and thousand of solutions, but you would never really know until you walk the path and turn to see for yourself what is in there for you.
In short, I had feared. I do still fear, at times. But I am slowly learning to overcome my fears one by one, all by just to keep on going.
It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.” ~ Confucius
I think a lot of people nowadays have one similar trait which is potentially a great suicidal problem.
They do not communicate with themselves. This is a dangerous way of living your life because you would most likely be living in a life which you do not like!
When I turned 25 years old, I was very, very disappointed with myself. I was so upset. I looked back on the past 5 years of my life, and realized that I have been living my days and weeks and months and years doing nothing. I know I have dreams that I wanted to live and fulfill, but all I did was just to toy with the ideas in my mind and not act on them!
I job-hopped twice during this period, and it was simply from one loveless job to another same hell-hole. What was I doing! I was at my prime; I was (still am) young and supposedly energetic, and yet I allowed myself to be trapped by my laziness to work hard towards my Dream Life and by my fear of moving out of my comfort zone.
These two factors combined are a sure deadly combination.
And so I did a few Q&A sessions with myself:
Why is it that I do not continue my journey down the path of becoming a psychotherapist?
What is/ are holding me back to move on further in my life?
How exactly does my Perfect Life look like?
After much self-probing, I finally had the courage to admit the truth which I believed I had been trying to kid myself into thinking otherwise:
That being a psychotherapist is not what I really wanted.
Just when I thought I found my possible lifelong career! But I had refused to admit that this is what I really felt. That is because I did not want to continue searching. I want to be able to settle down on one idea and build on it wholeheartedly.
But the heart is one which you cannot succeed in lying to.
I had realized that my vision of being a psychotherapist differs from what I really learned and felt when I was studying it. It is still all about helping other people, but not by the method which I would enjoy using.
It took me great length of pain to rethink about what I wanted.
Finally, it came to me almost after a year: I would be a Life Coach instead 🙂
Being a psychotherapist, I would be dealing with negative people day-in and day-out. And I want to steer away from handling negative people and their emotions because these are mostly who I was dealing with and what I was doing right now in my job.
I want to get away from it (them).
Also, I am fairly an empathetic person who is very sensitive to other people’s feelings and circumstances. I can imagine I would be greatly affected by my clients if I were to be a psychotherapist.
But being a coach is different! Even though they may be a more demanding crowd because they approach you not because they have issues and problems in life but because they are looking at improving themselves as a person, they are possibly happier people 😀
One of the tricks to being happy is to surround yourself with happy people.
So! I am actively working towards one of my goals now, which is to become a Life Coach 🙂 I am currently taking up a Diploma in Positive Psychology, because aiding people in living a more positive life and attaining happiness with their very own hands is my ultimate goal in being a Life Coach 😀
It is going to be a challenging road because being a coach is even further away from the mainstream in Singapore as compared to being a psychotherapist!
Of course I have my worries! I am scared! But I don’t give a damn to my fears and worries anymore! I am the master of my own life and I will not allow negativity to stray me away from doing what love! I am sick of complaining about my life! I want to live a life where I would be full of praises for it!
OK, those were some screaming happening in my head.
So come on, people! You know what you want to do with your life and in your life! It is just a matter of being utterly honest and transparent with yourself!
If I can be honest with myself, you can, too!
That is the purpose of this blog. I am recording my journey to achieving the goals and living the dreams. Let’s do it together 😀
Dream big and believe in yourself, because the power lies within you~