Do I need to find my life purpose?
This short question has been haunting me for years. Until recent months, it became a torment for me.
When I was young, I have always been searching for my “life purpose”. Why am I here? Who am I? What am I supposed to do with my life? I refuse to live a mainstream life aka a normal employee earning OK income. I want to find my very own and unique path that will make me jump out of bed with joy and excitement every morning, super looking forward to start my day because I have a life purpose. Because it shows that my life is worth living.
Initially, I thought I would start by finding (out) what’s my passion in life. I love reading, I like writing and singing. When I was younger, I love being in front of a camera, pretending to be some mega superstar. Born and raised in a society whereby the Government encouraged you to graduate and be a nice and obedient employee, being a writer or a singer or an actress sounded impossible and rebellious. Most importantly, I probably won’t earn much money from doing those. Or worse, there’s not even any market for me. Talk about low self-esteem or lack of determination. Or maybe I am simply not “passionate” enough. And oh, I am not a rebellious person. I love peace and stability. I’m OK to dealing with changes but I would rather not.
The most rebellious thing I have done so far is to quit my job last year without a job, and my most rebellious decision I have made so far is to continue to stay without a job right now when everyone else is urging me to find a job. Not going to rant much about it because I just wrote about that in my previous post.
I left my previous job thinking that I could search for my life purpose and turn pure passion into money-making passion. That’s the most ideal scenario, isn’t it? Perfect life! Sometimes I wonder why am I not born with a passion to perhaps ice-skate, so I can be the next Kim Yuna. But the reality is that till now, I still don’t know what’s my passion. Or maybe I have not made up my mind or what is. Sure, I have some hobbies I am passionate about, but they feel quite different from being life purpose. And so I am stuck with myself. How should I describe myself to me now? Indecisive, lazy, procrastinator, perfectionist. Yes, I begin to think I am a perfectionist! Everything must be good; in Chinese there’s a saying which is 天时地利人和. Which means the time, place, people and etc must be align and “right” and smooth before I execute something.
The results? Me not accomplishing anything, because I started nothing.
And then I realise, do I need to find my life purpose, right now? No, I don’t.
No, you don’t! If you happened to be in the same shithole as I am. Or was. I hope it’s a “was”.
What is a perfect moment? There will be none! We are always changing our thoughts, changing our minds, how can there be a perfect moment to act? Now I understand the wise saying of “the time to act is now”, thus this article right now. Every time I feel like writing, I don’t know why I just think about it only and not to switch on my laptop and write it. I just feel like there’s some aches of longingness in my heart to write and yet. And yet? I did not. Why? Because I am afraid. Why am I afraid? Afraid that no one will read the things I write. That I have high hopes that it will reach a lot of people but in reality, no one is reading it. Then I will have to conclude that I am a failure in the area that I love. Then I have to stop doing it because it is not giving me any results. But I didn’t think of the why must I stop doing it if I actually enjoy doing it even though no one appreciates it? Does it matter? Yes, it does, because I like to share! Haha. But honestly? No one gives a damn. So why am I damning myself? And who can determine if I have failed? Only myself. If I think that I am a failure, then I am. Period.
OK, I don’t know what I am writing anymore, but I guess that’s a good thing because I am simply letting my thoughts to flow and my hands to type by themselves, haha. So do I need to find a life purpose? Right now? No. I should be giving my life its purpose, and not trying to find it while doing nothing.
OMG I just got my own answer!
This worth re-mentioning:
I should be giving my life its purpose, and not trying to find it while doing nothing.